Living Together 101

Before moving in with my boyfriend I was SO nervous. I had never done anything like that before… how was I supposed to know what to expect?? Yes, I had lived with roommates, but this seemed like such a big deal! And it was. Moving in together SHOULD be treated like a big deal, that’s one of the things that helps you actually stay together! I’ve created a list of the things that I’m glad we knew and that I wish we had known going into that new chapter.

Choose. To live. Together. For the Right Reasons.

My boyfriend took a family psychology class where the teacher was very clear about how important it is to be intentional about moving in together, and for the right reasons. Some people “slide” into living together, and that’s when things tend to go south. For example, you’re already spending time at their place a lot, your lease ends, and you just kind of end up staying there for a weekend..week..month..year..ish thing. Another reason that is not good for moving in together is to save financially. But you, like me, are a logical person! So it makes sense! Think of all the money you’ll be saving!! While an added bonus if you’re moving in together for the right reasons, financial benefit should not be the biggest thing pushing you to move in together. The reason you should be moving in with someone is because you want to take the relationship to the next level and you seriously see yourself being with this person long term. If you don’t see that, in my opinion, it would so not be worth the hassle of eventually splitting things, or breaking a lease, for someone you were never really sure about.

Expect the Turbulence

Ahh finally, you get to wake up next to the person you love everyday! You don’t have to ask mom if you can have a sleepover, you’re doing it each night! How exciting and fun! And it is. But it’s also going to be challenging adjusting to each other’s annoying habits and there’s probably going to be times where you swear if your significant other breathes like that one more time, you’ll lose it. The first month or two might be smooth sailing because of the excitement and novelty, but things might get challenging for a bit after that. Knowing that you’re going to encounter these moments makes such a difference when you actually do! That awareness lets you step back, acknowledge this is normal and to be expected, and then you can work on getting past it rather than wondering why things aren’t going perfectly.

Make a Contract Before Moving in Together

It sounds so un-sexy. But what’s hotter than being a mature adult who plans for the unexpected and sets your future-self up for success? Talking about the uncomfortable things before you step foot in that apartment means that these discussions can be had from an objective point of view and not clouded with in-the-moment emotions. Discuss what would happen if you were to break up. Who is moving out? What happens if you buy something together? Who gets it? Does someone have to pay out the other person? What about gifts? Who gets things that are addressed to both of you? Pets? Split custody, orrr…?

Talk about what you expect as far as chores. Do you expect things to be split evenly? Are you the vacuum gal and they’re the mopping guy? Talk about it and write it down so that if someone isn’t holding up their side of the bargain, it’s way less awkward to be like “Hey, weren’t you going to be in charge of vacuuming because I do the mopping?” rather than being passive aggressive about how societal gender roles are so not happening in this household.

And finally- financials. Are you splitting things 50/50? Do you have a “household items” account you both put money in? Do you just Venmo? Is someone paying more for things if they make more money? Get comfortable talking about money because it’s one of the top reasons people break up- don’t be one of them!

I think the biggest thing for living together is just treating this step in your life with the respect it deserves! Prep for it, have difficult discussions, and get so excited! Having sleepovers with your best friend every night is the stuff our fifth grade dreams were made of.