The Phrase You Need to Stop Saying

I think most of us have heard the phrase “Look at how he treats his mom”.

Here’s the thing- I get that it is well meaning. And people who say it probably think they’re spreading positivity and wisdom, and in some situations this might be fine advice.

However- I want us to move away from this terminology and thinking- because it doesn’t really properly address family dynamics that are less than traditional.

When people say this phrase, what they’re trying to get at is to look at how he treats someone who consistently shows up for him, who raised him, who loved him.

But for a lot of people, they might have made a choice for themselves to not have a mom be an active part of their life. Their mom might have been toxic for their wellbeing. Their mom might have struggled with mental disabilities and never got the help they needed, resulting in abuse (physical, mental, emotional). There’s so many things that could have happened that we have no idea about.

By saying, “Look at how he treats his mom”, you’re unknowingly not acknowledging the trauma that some men might have around this area of their life.

And I KNOW the people saying this phrase aren’t trying to do that.

Some relationships might be strained, or cordial, or nonexistent. That doesn’t mean that this person isn’t capable of loving and showing up for you.

What I propose we do is change the terminology we are using.

Instead of “Look at how he treats his mom,” use “Look at how he treats the people in his life who consistently show up and love him.”

Is that a grandparent? A sibling? Uncle, Aunt, friend? Switching to this terminology is much more inclusive, and much more telling of how this person will actually be in a relationship with you.

When you just start dating, you might not know family dynamics. Him ignoring a call from his mom might not be a red flag, it might be a sign that he has set clear boundaries for himself and his wellness.

Look deeper into the story, if they’re comfortable with that, and please stop telling your friends to look at how he treats his mom when you really mean “Look for how he treats the people in his life who consistently show up and who love him.” You might just say that and be overheard by someone who that means more to than you really know.

XOXO,