A WARNING for Strong and Independent Women
I like to think that I’m a woman who truly supports other women and who encourages them to step into their worth.
To understand that they are capable of anything and everything, and that they have the right to exist in any space that they wish. I eventually want to raise my own daughters to be strong, independent, little people who speak their mind and who are courageous enough to go wherever their heart leads them.
I say all this and I will also say that the “strong independent woman” identity will also completely mess you up if it goes unchecked.
I say this because I know from personal experience. I am humble enough to know that I am not some special case, and that if I’ve gone through something then it means that somebody else definitely has or will- and so that’s why I want to talk about it today.
So let me get into my back story a little bit.
I have always loved feeling independent and like… how do I say it… Like a bad ass b*tch.
I always loved dating and relationships, but I also really loved my identity, and my space, I just kind of liked having that separateness as much as possible. I thought that strong women in the workplace looked like people who never got talked over. I thought that compromising in a relationship showed fragility, and I really – it’s hard for me to admit now because it sounds pretty messed up – but I thought doing anything for a man showed weakness.
And I did not want to admit that to anybody, especially myself. There was this friction inside of me because part of me wanted that love story, that rom-com that, Disney kind of magic, and this other part of me was like, “I’m a boss and I’m going to focus on me and my career, and not worry about anyone else or anything else, and I’m just not going to change my life story, or change what I want for anybody else.”
And so… it was hard.
It was really hard because I was like, “Okay, well is there a middle ground? Can I only have the love story once I’m 30, is that when my career starts going? Then can I focus on that?” Because I was so caught up in being the strong independent woman who focused on my career, and focused on all the things that I thought would make me successful, that focusing on a relationship, or what it would take to make that work, just felt like not an option.
I remember thinking during my last year of college that anybody who would move somewhere for somebody else (and it’s painful to say this, it’s cringy for me for sure…), but I thought if somebody would move somewhere for somebody else, when they didn’t have anything going on there, that that was weak. I don’t even think I wanted to admit that to myself, but really digging deep, that is internally what I thought. And I know that some of you also feel that way as well.
So I had to challenge myself on that mentality and really figure out for myself what it meant to be existing as a strong and independent woman in this world, while also knowing that eventually I would want a relationship.
We have got to stop judging ourselves as strong and independent women, who also crave connection. Because connection is a human need, and no matter how much money, career success, fame, whatever- no matter how much of that you get, you’re still going to want that connection, and there is nothing wrong with that because it is a human need, it is biological!
I feel like a lot of times because we want to be these strong independent people, we judge ourselves when we have that need, when we have that craving for connection, and there is nothing wrong with it!
Yes, you can 100% get connection from a relationship that is not romantic. I still am very strong behind the fact that you do not need to be in a romantic relationship to be happy. But what I do want is for people to stop judging themselves if they do want to be in that relationship, or they do want that type of connection.
Graduating college and going into the working world, I thought a strong, independent, smart woman would focus entirely on her career and not let a man sway her at all. I think a lot of times in history we see patterns swing. In literature, in behavior, in all of it. What happens is people see their grandparents, or even their parents, act a certain way, and then they sway completely the other way because they’re like, “Oh, I don’t want that!” Maybe we saw our grandparents, or our moms or something, give up everything to be with somebody. You hear those stories that are like, “This woman gave up her passion, gave up her dream job, and gave up going to school to be with this man.” And we’re like, “Oh, we’re NEVER going to do that.” And I think that there is some greatness in that. I think there are some really powerful messages that come from not giving up on things that you want for somebody else.
And so for me, I had to think about the strength in the other side of that. The strength in vulnerability.
And so at the point of graduation with my boyfriend, I was still very much in the mindset, “Well, don’t think I’m moving anywhere for you!” I didn’t tell him that up front, but I was like, “Oh well, if you think I’m going to move somewhere for a man, you’ve got me messed up.” After graduation, we did a year of long distance from Orlando, Florida and Portland, Oregon, and I think that year was really good for us. I think we learned a lot, but during that year I realized that
Ben would move anywhere for me. I knew because I could feel it for sure, but also because he told me. And that was kind of scary for me because I was thinking, “What??? That’s crazy!”
I realized that him being to relocate anywhere for me is a form of strength.
Being courageous enough to jump into something and go all in for love, knowing that you are going to be okay, even if you fall on your face and have to stand back up on your own.
For all my strong and independent women out there, keep doing that. Keep doing things that you know you’re capable of and designing lives that you are just so excited about. But don’t be so scared of being “weak” or “giving something up for a relationship” that you start to judge yourself if you want that. What happens when you judge yourself and don’t allow yourself to enter into a relationship, or have a great connection with someone, is that you miss out on all the greatness that comes when a strong, independent, and amazing badass woman is in a relationship.
Because it is something that is just… let me tell you, it’s pretty awesome.
Don’t fall into the same ideas that I did about what it really means to be a strong, independent woman. I think the real strong, independent women know that they can make their own rules and have their own way of living that doesn’t have to fall into these stereotypes of what something is or is not. Because honestly, it’s so cool to have someone love you for being who you are, and there’s nothing wrong with wanting to be in a relationship like that.
So, I encourage you to challenge your mindset when you start to think like that because it just leads you down places that you don’t want to be, and I have been there!
So! To all my gorgeous, lovely, strong, independent women, you've got this! And make that strong, independent woman choice for yourself.
XOXO,
