Knowing When to Date Again
So how do you know when you’re ready to date again?
I had this question submitted by someone and thought it would be a great topic to go a little deeper on, because I know it’s something most of us have thought about. Whether you went through a breakup, a divorce, or if your significant other sadly passed away.
I’ll be honest, I don’t think I am the most qualified person to talk about how to know when you’re ready to date again after a loved one’s passing. But I’ll do my best to cover the other topics, and give you the responses of individuals I have talked to who have had to endure the loss of the person closest to them.
With a typical breakup or divorce, you probably are going to need some time to heal. There are so many things tied into how long it will take you, like what your attachment style is, your previous relationship experience, along with if you’ve spent the time getting closure for yourself and the relationship.
For example, if you have an avoidant attachment style, moving on and dating again comes much quicker. These people are able to emotionally detach at a quicker rate than most, and they bounce back into the dating pool at a faster rate. That’s because these people don’t like to get too emotionally close to people, so the relief that comes with a breakup typically propels them back into casual hookups or dates. There is nothing WRONG with this.
I think sometimes people who have a secure, or especially an anxious attachment style, tend to look at those people like “WTF IS WRONG WITH THEM DID I MEAN NOTHING????”- when that’s not necessarily the case. Everyone is different.
If you’re struggling to get over your ex, I recommend going and watching my other video (or reading the other blog post) titled “Why you’re Not Over It”- it goes into the science behind why your brain is obsessed with thinking about the situation, playing it back, wondering if you made a mistake, wondering if you should call them, wondering what they’re doing- it’s a lot.
If you’re past that point and aren't feeling like your brain is completely hyper-focused on your ex, then you might reach the point of wondering WHEN you are going to be “ready to date”.
I never want to make anyone do something they aren’t comfortable with- but I will say this- for some people, you might never feel “ready”. Not one person I’ve talked to said they were “100% ready” to be a parent. So many people struggle feeling “ready” to start their business. Or change careers. There are SO MANY situations in life where you might not feel “ready”, the key here is to do it anyways in a way that feels good to you.
If you’re wondering if you’re ready to begin dating again, ask yourself some of these questions:
“Do I want a relationship?”
“In five years, what would I like my romantic life to look like?”
“If I were to meet someone who was everything I was looking for, would I want to be in a relationship with them?”
A lot of times, the one that kind of springs people into action is that second one, thinking about what you want your romantic life to look like in five years. Because it seems somewhat far off, but also so close. If you want to be married again or in a serious relationship, then work backwards. How much time are you realistically going to need to be dating people? How much time in the beginning stages of a relationship? How much time before things get more serious? And a proposal? A marriage?
It all takes time- time we often forget isn’t guaranteed, and is always limited.
I know that with a lot of people, they shut themselves off because they don’t want to get hurt again. They don’t want to experience another breakup, another ghosting, another jerk, so they just don’t put themselves out there. But the sad part is by focusing so much on the hurt and being so averse to pain, you forget that you’re also closing off the possibility for one of the most amazing gifts life has to offer, sharing your life with someone.
If my relationship ended tomorrow, I would be devastated. I would need time to heal. But I would know that the possibility of love is worth the risk of being hurt again. Because once you’ve had the kind of love that I do- the one with so many laughs, and compassion, and excitement, and joy- you don’t want to live without it.
Trust me when I tell you that it’s worth it. If you’ve only had shitty relationships, then I don’t blame you for being hesitant about putting yourself back out there, because it doesn’t seem worth it. But know that if you’re doing this whole relationship thing right, you will thank your past self for just putting yourself out there sooner rather than later.
Now if you lost your significant other, I want you to be kind with yourself. I can’t really imagine what you’ve gone through. My friends who have gone through this, I see you. And I would never tell you to do something that doesn’t feel right.
All I want to really say to this group of people, is f*** the “should”s. I know that for a lot of people who have gone through this, there’s a weird sort of feeling around dating at some points. Questions go through your head like “Is it too early? SHOULD I date? Will people think I don’t care about this person I loved so much? Will their family be upset? Will the person I am dating understand? SHOULD I wait another year?”
As much as I love that you’re thinking outside of yourself, focus on you and your needs for a bit here. From what you’ve gone through, I am confident you’ve had to think about other people for a long time. If your significant other was battling with health issues, caring for them and being strong for their sake probably consumed your life. If you have kids, you probably focused completely on if they were okay.
In this area of your life that is dating, make it about you.
Trust that the people around you know your heart and know that you taking this step isn’t taking away from all the love you had for your partner. Know that the right person will not only accept your past, but honor the memory of the person who came before them. You might date people who don’t understand, I know that, I’m not going to pretend that isn’t a possibility. Give yourself permission to end things with anyone who isn’t as compassionate as you would be if the situation was reversed.
For anyone who is wondering when the “right” time is- there’s no right time. Only a time where you’re willing to put yourself out there, even if you don’t feel “100% ready”. You’ll probably be dating some people who also aren’t 100% ready and also were wondering if they should even be going on that date. Life is funny like that.
Sending all my love to you, and if you have any questions or would like further support, please don’t hesitate to reach out.
XOXO,
