Love Languages Explained by a Dating Coach
Let’s talk Love Languages, shout-out Gary Chapman, he’s the man who wrote the book, has the website, and coined the term that all of us know and love! I know some of you might be familiar with what love languages are, but I think it’s always awesome to dive a little deeper, and to give a resource to those of you who have never heard of it!
Very briefly, a love language is a way that you like to receive love. So if you haven’t taken the quiz, or if the person that you’re trying to figure out their love language hasn’t taken the quiz, more often than not you can see what their love language is in the way that they give love. So if somebody’s always giving gifts, their love language is probably gifts. If somebody is really good about vocalizing their love for you and their appreciation, then their love language is probably words of affirmation.
But before I get too ahead of myself, let's jump into the five love languages!
The first love language is words of affirmation!
So those people love to hear how much you love and appreciate them. You can make their entire week by saying something along the lines of, “You mean so much to me. I care about you more than anything and I love love love you!” So if you tell them that, they’ll be so excited to hear whatever you have to say. It’s not enough to just be doing things for them that make you think that you’re showing them you love them. You need to vocalize it with these people because that is how they love to receive love.
The second level language is acts of service.
So unlike words of affirmation, in this case actions do speak louder than words. Whether that’s you taking out the trash, or folding the laundry, or doing the dishes, all of these things that make the other person’s life easier are ways that that person is going to feel most loved. So for me, this is one of my top love languages! I know whenever I’m feeling really overwhelmed or stressed, whenever my boyfriend goes and gets me an oil change, or makes me lunch, all of these little things that just make my life easier- I’m like, “Oh my gosh, I feel so loved!” And so anybody whose first, or even second, love language is acts of service, that is how you are going to make them feel most cared for.
The third love language is receiving gifts.
So I know in our head the first thing we think of is like those people in movies who are just getting diamonds all the time, and amazing cars and homes bought for them. But that is not this necessarily. So yes, that would probably fall into this of course, however, it can be simpler things like flowers, if someone really loves getting flowers, or they love when you go on a trip or a business trip and they bring back the little trinket for you. Those are things that are gifts that we might not think are traditional gifts like Christmas or Birthdays, but those little things, just little mementos actual material items, make the other person feel like you were thinking of them. That’s how they feel loved most. So these people aren’t necessarily materialistic, they’re just people who like those items that show that you’re thinking of them and show that you love them.
The fourth love language is quality time.
And this isn’t just the two of you being in the same room, on your phones, this is real, real intentional time together where there are no distractions, you’re just focused on each other. It can be in your house. It can be hanging out, but it can also be on dates. Really the main thing here is that you’re building that deeper connection and there’s no distractions. It’s not about anybody else, it’s just about the two of you.
So for these people, that time is really, really important. You can’t just glimpse over it or do it once a year on your anniversary. That is something that you need to really incorporate into your weekly routine so that this person always feels loved.
The fifth love language is physical touch
These people love holding hands, they love a hand on the leg, a massage, physical intimacy. Those things make them feel really loved, and it’s not all about sex. It is, like I said, about those little moments, where you’re rubbing their shoulder, or just grabbing their hand in a crowded room. All of those things really make them feel loved. They’re normally very touchy-feely people, they like hugs, at least from the people that they’re in a relationship with. So those are the things that will make this person feel most sought-after, most loved, most connected to you.
So those are the five love languages! Why are they important?
Because more often than not we’re not going to be with someone who is our same love language. And we don’t even realize it because we’ve only ever lived in our own heads. We assume that everybody is like us, we assume that everybody feels and thinks the way that we do, so we’re going to be like “Of course! Of course they love getting this! Of course by me doing this they feel loved!” What ends up happening is you end up arguing a lot because you’re in an argument and this person says
“I don’t even know if you love me! Like, how do I know you care? I just don’t feel appreciated! I don’t feel like you actually love me.” And the other person is going to be like “What are you talking about?! I brought you Russian dolls back from my business trip, what more can I do??” So you end up just being like “You’re not getting it.” When you don’t know the other person’s love language, you show up for them the way that you want to be shown up for, but that doesn’t always work in a relationship because the other person might want you to show up a different way. So having that knowledge of what the other person actually wants, how they want to be shown love, that will help you move forward in your relationship with less arguments. And so you can actually build that deeper bond and feel like you’re in love with the other person.
Knowing your love language, sharing that with your partner, to put it in unromantic terms, is going to maximize the return on your effort!
Because if you’re someone who is constantly doing all these acts of service for them, thinking that you’re showing the deepest love that anybody could ever show, and all they want is flowers and for you to bring them some chocolate, then you’re going to be doing all these things for no reason because the other person might actually want something else. If you take the quiz on the website, on 5LoveLanguages.com, you’ll be able to know. It actually ranks your love languages because a lot of us, we like a bunch of different things.
We like to be shown love in different ways. And so instead of never doing the other things, you can just spend more time doing the things that they really care about, and still do the others frequently enough, but just not as much because those things won’t mean as much to the other person.
Head over to the website to take the quiz, and encourage your partner or anybody in your life to do the same. It might just take your relationships to the next level!
XOXO,
