Seeing Through the BS... "You Deserve Better"
I’m getting into something that I think is very interesting, because I know most of us, if not all of us, have heard it, or said it, or have had a friend hear it or say it, and I think that we can all kind of relate in some way to this story! It is what to do when somebody tells you that you deserve better.
Now the reason people say this is for one of three reasons.
The first one is the hardest to navigate because it’s kind of the toughest situation to be in, and it is because this person really believes that. So when they tell you that you deserve better, it’s because it’s coming from a place of low self-esteem, or low self-worth. They’re just not at a good place with themselves right now, and it’s really hard for us to want to walk away from that because we feel for the person. It’s in our nature to want to nurture them and to get them to a place where they feel better about themselves, so that they are more empowered. I think that’s really noble of us to want to do, but we need to remember that we are not responsible for somebody else’s happiness, especially early on in dating or in a relationship. It is not your job to get them to a place where they are feeling good about themselves. I think it’s great if you want to send them resources: a number of a therapist, or a number of hotline, or videos that you found that you think would really be helpful. I think that’s a great idea, but I don’t want us to get so caught up in wanting to help them get to a place where they have this better self-worth, that we are forgetting about ourselves. Because the same way that it is not their responsibility to make us happy, that has to come from within ourselves, it is not our responsibility to help anybody else be happy, or get to a place where they feel good about themselves.
Number two is that they want to break up, and “It’s not you, it’s me”, is just way too cliche and played out, so they want something else, something that makes them feel a little bit more noble so that they can walk away from the situation feeling like, “Yes! Nailed that one, feel good about it.” And although it’s hard to hear, sometimes breakups happen, and this is just one of the reasons people will give if they are trying to get out of a relationship.
The third and the most common is that they actively, or subconsciously, want you to talk yourself into settling for less than what you deserve.
Think about it, our immediate reaction in this situation is to convince them otherwise. We tell them that they’re amazing, that they’re great the way they are, that they do deserve us. Humans, we hate loss. We don’t like the idea of losing something, and so we start convincing them that they do deserve us so that we don’t lose them, and in the process we start to lose this sense of self. Because we could have, before this conversation, kind of been aware that they weren’t treating us the way that they should, that we probably do deserve to be treated better. But because they brought it up, because they told us we’re like, “Oh wait. No, I don’t want to lose this. So I’m going to start talking myself down and I’m going to start talking to them as though they do deserve me.”
We also have this thought that, “Oh they’re woke! They know that they shouldn’t be treating me that way, so because they know that they’ll probably start treating me better!” So we just keep waiting for the one day where that behavior changes, but we just convinced them that we don’t deserve better. So why would they change? It’s this cycle of just not being where you should, and not getting what you should, because you told the other person that you don’t deserve better. And now these people can feel fine with themselves if they’re treating you in a way that you actually probably do deserve better than, because they told you that you deserve better, and you chose to stay. And so they could always justify it to themselves like, “Oh, well, I told them that they deserve better, and they told me otherwise, so why is it my best interest to change when they don’t think I have anything to change?” You’re on very different pages because you’ve had a conversation together that was not aligned at all.
And none of these are good reasons to stay in a relationship!
So my best advice that I could give you is that if somebody tells you that you deserve better, believe them.
Listen, thank them for acknowledging that, and move on. Because they know the situation, they know themselves, they know everything better than you do, and so who are you to convince them otherwise, or to tell them otherwise? Understand that if they are saying that, you need to believe them because that’s the best thing you can do for yourself.
I think we’ve all been in those situations where we’re dating someone, or in a relationship, or a situationship, or whatever, where we really kind of have that thought flash across our mind that’s like, “Oh, they deserve better.” And it’s one thing to quickly think that, but what the really mature people do, the people who are ready to be in a relationship, who are emotionally available, what they do when that crosses their mind is they ask themselves, “Okay, how can I be that person? How can I show up better? How can I be who they deserve?” When I started dating my boyfriend, that thought did cross my mind! It did, but I never once told him that, I just became the person that I believed he deserved. So if that meant showing up more, supporting him while he played sports, I would do that. If that meant bringing him food when he wasn’t feeling well, I did that. Those are all things that I think he deserves, and so I became that, I embodied that. I would never go and tell him that he deserved better, I just became what he deserved.
So if somebody is telling you that, that means they’re not at a place where they are ready to become that person that you deserve, they’re just going to tell you that you deserve better and try and have you figure out the rest. But if they are actively seeking to become better for you because they know that you deserve better, that’s something different, and that’s what you should be looking for in a relationship. Rather than just trying to convince someone that “Oh no, it’s fine, you’re good, you are who I deserve.” No! They can step up, and if they were ready to do that, they would.
In conclusion, if somebody is telling you that you deserve better, believe them!
XOXO,
