Why Do You Keep Going for Those People Who Are Unavailable?
I will be the first to admit that I’ve been here. Multiple times. I want to say that so that no one is under the impression that I think I am coming from a place of self righteousness or being better than, because I’m not. I’m coming from a place of being in your situation. Again, and again. I’m also coming from a place of knowing how to stop the cycle, and that’s why we’re here today.
So before we get into why you keep going for people who are unavailable, we first need to get into what it really means for someone to be unavailable. This can look like a lot of different situations, but here’s some:
- He tells you straight up that he isn’t looking for anything serious
- He is already in a relationship (girlfriend or married)
- He is someone who you really shouldn’t or can’t be in a relationship with (boss, professor, etc)
- He avoids affection or intimacy (except sex)
- He tells you he doesn’t believe in relationships/ marriage/ etc
- He avoids talking about anything that isn’t surface level
- He will ghost you for months and then reach out out of nowhere
- He won’t commit and insists he wants to continue dating other people (indefinitely)
Those are some of the most common examples.
And for people attracted to someone like this, I am willing to bet money that it’s not just ONE TIME or you’ve found yourself in a situation where you’ve been attracted to someone unavailable. Whether it’s ALWAYS someone who tells you they don’t want a relationship, or if it’s sometimes that and sometimes just someone you shouldn’t be with at all- there’s probably a pattern of them being unavailable one way or another.
Take a moment to think about it.
Because for me, I caught myself doing it. I remember thinking to myself “Something about this seems weird. It’s a pattern. It feels scripted because it’s so predictable.”
Oftentimes, the reason that we go for someone unavailable is because it means that the relationship can’t get that deep or serious.
It’s weird though because we don’t think we want that! We think we want the real deal! We’re normally the people HELL BENT on having a serious relationship. But something is going on on a subconscious level that has us attracted to people who deep down we know we never will get that relationship with.
HEAVY SHIT, I KNOW.
You might also deep down like the chaos that comes with a lot of these situations. It seems romantic and risky and you get a rush. You can get your “intimacy need” met in an unhealthy way with the rush of the situation. But it’s not sustainable. And it will MESS YOU UP long term. It’s rare to hear a story where dating someone unavailable ended up well- but people CLING to the ones that do.
“My cousin’s best friend’s nephew’s girlfriend’s friend from fourth grade dated a married man and they ended up together!”
It’s the exception, not the rule, and even when they do get together, they often end up breaking up later BECAUSE the rush is gone. It’s just a normal relationship after. With problems even worse than a typical one because it started off on shaky ground.
The good news is that the biggest step moving forward and stopping the pattern is knowing the pattern exists, which if you’re watching this and have thought “Oh shit that’s me” at any point, congratulations you’re aware.
Next is setting a hard boundary for yourself that you won’t entertain these people. You won’t let yourself go there. Make a hard rule, and stick to it as though there’s someone in your head who’s more of an adult than you, telling you “No”. The same way your mom would when you asked for something at the store. No questions.
If someone tells you they aren’t looking for anything serious before you even go on a date, DON’T GO ON THE DATE! Even if you’re trying to tell yourself you could “change their mind.”
Don’t let the married guy take you on a date. Don’t let your boss flirt with you.
I’m not saying these situations won’t present themselves, trust me- if you’re someone who oftentimes finds yourself in these situations, they’re not going to just disappear. The hardest part will be the first time you say “no” to putting yourself in this situation. The first time you turn down a date, or walk away from a situation you normally would happily jump into.
Dig deep, and make that first decision to stay strong. You have the awareness and knowledge that this situation is not going to end the way you want it to (because I’m sure you’ve proven that to yourself again and again)- so do your future self a favor and do the hard thing now.
Another mental trick for this is this: Sometimes it’s hard to change our behavior for ourselves. Because sometimes deep down we don’t believe we deserve that change. But if one day you want kids, this mental trick will work for you.
Think of one day having kids- what would you want their example of love to be growing up? If you come from a home where you didn’t have the best example, then you know how challenging it can be to break those patterns you learned from your parents.
So if you don’t want your future kids to go through that, then YOU have to break the pattern. You have to do the hard thing so THEY don’t have to do the hard thing. You can positively impact GENERATIONS after you by making those hard choices now and by choosing better for yourself, even when it’s the path of most resistance.
Y’all, you can do this. You deserve to be with a man who is so available for you. Who wants to be with you, who shows up, who never leaves you wondering.
Choose that for yourself.
If you need more support in this, have any questions, or just want to share your experience, feel free to comment or shoot me a direct message- would be happy to talk with you more.
Have a great day and I’ll talk to you next time!
XOXO,
