Boundaries like a Boss

I have noticed a lot of people in my community are struggling with boundaries and how to set them if you’re dating someone new! I think this is a huge topic that we really need to be talking about a little bit more often.

To some, boundaries might sound frigid, or professional, or a little bit scary. It sounds scary if somebody’s going to set boundaries with us, it sounds scary to set boundaries with other people, but really all this means is how we’re going to let somebody else treat us, or how we’re going to let somebody else show up in our life.

I feel like sometimes when we hear someone tell us to “Set your boundaries with them!” We’re thinking about this thing in our head, and it looks a lot more like this:

“So let me make this clear- don't ever think that you can talk to me in a negative way!! You are never going to sleep with me unless there is a commitment!!! If you try to leaving me on read for 3 hours at a time, you have got another thing coming! And if you ever think that you are going to string me along for months on end without a commitment, I'm going to fu-”

You get the point. The thing is you don’t have to set boundaries like that, and you really shouldn’t be! Can you imagine?? You’re going to scare away any potentially good person by coming off like this, because it’s just super aggressive and abrasive. I’m thinking if anybody tried to do that to me, especially on a first or second date, my group chat with my friends would be going off after! We would be like, “Can you believe this person did that?! That is crazy!”

That is not the way you want to go about setting boundaries, and that’s probably what people think when they say to set your boundaries. It doesn’t look like that at all! The way to set boundaries that is stern, but doesn’t come off as being abrasive is a lot simpler than you think.

It is all in your actions.

You don’t have to tell someone that you won’t put up with them leaving you on read. You just don’t triple text them trying to get a response. You don’t necessarily have to tell somebody that you won’t sleep with them until there’s a commitment. You just don’t sleep with them until there’s a commitment. You don’t have to tell somebody that you will end their existence if they keep stringing you along. You just end their ex- No, I’m just kidding! You just gracefully move on from the situation and stop letting them string you along.

You have all the power in the situation to stop letting people treat you in a way, just by distancing yourself from it, just from not putting in that effort until they start matching what you were. You have all the power in the situation to own your boundaries, without having to yell them at somebody else.

If you’re unclear on your boundaries, get clear with them. Start writing out all the things that are non-negotiables for you. So if somebody tells you right off the bat, “I’m not looking for anything serious”, and you are, then make a boundary that you are not going to entertain anybody who tells you that up front. You can make a boundary that you won’t sleep with somebody until you’re serious, that’s fine! You can make a boundary that you’re not going to change plans with your friends for somebody else. You can make a boundary out of anything that will make you feel better about the situation, but make this list up front, because then you’re not going to be in the situation and too deep in, to where you’re like, “Oh my gosh, this doesn’t feel right. It doesn’t align and I don’t know why!” It’s because they don’t align with your boundaries, and when you start getting clear on them, that’s going to be much easier to check right away from the beginning if somebody is stepping outside of that or not. You can move on accordingly!

Per usual, actions always speak louder than words, and if you are acting in a way that your best boundary-having-self would act, then you will always be setting yourself up for success.

XOXO,